Tag Archives: WordPress

A Letter From The Bush.

Lalur aka fisi.

Dear Nairobians,
Warm Greetings from this other side of the planet. This side of the world you have inconsiderately eaten up in the name of development. It is no wonder ng’etuk (the stray lion) paid you a visit earlier this year. We would have strolled down your streets as well but with the fate that befell my friend ng’etuk am afraid we gonna have to pass.  But as politeness and respect (or fear, call it what you want) would dictate, RIP ng’etuk, we loved you but KWS feared you the most.

Let me introduce myself, they call me lalur here in the jungle, but you know me best as FISI – hyena. I took to writing because you left me no choice. The scuttlebutt reaching me has it that I am all cunniving, calculated, annoyingly narcissistic, and outrageously debauched or perverted. Well, I am writing to set the record straight. In as much as I would want to distant myself from these malicious innuendos, they are half-truths, ok, 99.98% half-truth. However, they in no way portray my true demeanor.
 
You see, these suppositions reached my many wives, concubines, and courtesan and didn’t pass my mistresses. My reputation is now questionable and I am exhausted giving deceitful explanations. I am a generous giver, I love my women equally with no bigotry whatsoever. They all get a part of me whenever and wherever they need. My prowess is exceptional. So I consider it a win-win situation.

Ever since my name started being part of your conversations, I have been having extremely hard time putting my women in their place! What happened to discretion? What happened to clandestineness?  Look, these things take time, it is not for public display. I hear you even formed a SACCO in my name and christened it: MAFISI SACCO!  Now that is just so cheesy!

My honourable name now finding it’s way in clothing lines. Did I say clothing lines? I mean every struggling jobless youth, with some poor graphic skills is using my pristine and prestigious name on some third hand T-shirts to get some coins. Now that hurts. Hurts my ego and pride to the core. Do you ever imagine you can earn a living off that? By soiling my honour?  Did you ever bother asking me for a piece of advice? You thought you had every right, yay? Felt I was too cool too dumb I guess. But now I am out of the bushes. Out to take back my honour. I’ve been watching all the braggadocio the use of my name has brought to your shallow lives.

I hear you even have a feminine version too; fisiress or fisilets, whatever you call it. That’s so silly of you, if you may ask me. That’s like walking into a funeral wake and slapping the bereaved family hot in the cheeks. Or going to a jilted husband and telling him that you are the one who has been laying his wife. It is this insult that prompted me to write you this letter. This protest letter. I’m out of the bushes but nowhere in your streets. Neither here nor there. But I’m here. I can yank kilos of flesh from you anytime, anywhere. But I chose not to. Not now. I wouldn’t let my retaliation be so obvious and predictable. I love being smooth. Call me Mr. Smooth Operator. For now I’ll pretend like nothing happened or is happening. I’ll assume we are friends, friends with lalur wannabes.   

For the sake of standards I want to see upheld, I’ll give you some free advice. Tell you how I want things done, just how they need to be – and not how you, Nairobians, want it to be. To set the record straight; we need to be discrete, we need to conduct our operations the chini ya mawaba way for the sake of our numerous wives and potential wives-to-be. Not a word of our activities should reach them, lest they pull a Bieber-too-late-to-say-sorry crap.

In the interest of haste, I will have to stop here lest the floods get me here. Oh, and my number one concubine is here so shhhhhhhhhh. Quick advice, when you bump into your house on your way home from work, know that mother- nature in no friend of yours and you should stop littering your city. As for us we live by three rules only. Do not get killed, do not die and the third rule is if rule number 2 does not apply, please refer to rule number 1.

I will not be making any appearances in your flooded town and its suburbs, some of us learn from other people’s hard learnt lessons.
Cheers mates.

Missing In Action Pt 1.

I wrote this title and it threw me down memory lane, back in the 90’s. As a youngboy, I had developed a passion for movies. Technology had just grown a notch higher and black tv boxes were getting replaced with humped and bigger coloured screens that could be fitted with VCR players (Video Cassette Recorder), this made watching movies more exiting – seeing coloured pictures was more realistic and appealing to the eyes.

Now, back in the village … those days… electricity was only available at the market centres. So, those who could afford, bought the machines and rented rooms where villagers ( me included) paid some fee to watch a movie. One of the popular films of the time was; Missing in Action whose main star was Chuck Noris. A great movie it was.

However, what I wanted to write was about my absence for a couple of weeks due to unavoidable circumstances. I missed the beautiful WordPress family we always have here; Leslie, Don Charisma, Roxana etecetera. Wonderful people.

Lets get going, fam. Receive greetings from my humble village. Lots of farm preparations for the coming rains. It’s still dusty and sunny for now.

Enjoy Every Day Of Your Life.

This morning as I walked towards the main house from my simba ( a house built for a boy who has come of age, in a traditional homestead), I meet my 4yr old niece picking up some toys she had dropped the previous evening. She’s always fond of me. And on seeing me, comes running with her arms open, an indication she wants a lift. As usual, I lift her up and then put her back down. She wants more but I’m running late, so I dodge her. Determined to get it, she starts chasing after me – round in circles … it turns out this is even more fun. Sensing she wasn’t going to let go, I got out a coin and handed it out to her. Thankfully, she finally let go.

As I walked towards the main house, I noticed mom and my younger sister standing by the door smiling at me. From the look on their faces it was obvious they had been watching me all along. To distract them, I started making faces but couldn’t stop. I still couldn’t figure out why they were looking at me…

“Why are you always happy like that? ” my sister asked when I finally got to the door.

“How do you mean?” I enquired, her question was rather plain to me.

“I mean, we watch you every day from work, before you go to bed and when you wake up – you are are always in a jovial mood!” she explained.

Now, this question got me thinking; why should one wake up looking so lugubrious on a beautiful sunlit morning! What is the point of living if you can’t be happy? The happiness we deeply desire lies within us and it is of our own making. I try my best to keep entertained and not worry about things I have no control over. We could always find a way of being greatful for the simple things in life – good health, family, friends and having all our members intact.

I once read a gem of a book, titled ‘Less Stress by Dr. Julian Melgosa’ and I must admit it’s an eye-opener. It’s a book I would recommend any day to any one going through some kind of stress or anyone interested in just getting their emotional and psychologically life in balance.

Live life. Love life and have fun. Being uptight is a waste of the person you are. If you have one reason to be sad, remind yourself that you always have  over ten reasons to smile. So, glide into 2015 a different person full of life.

Posted by Mr. Jagweng

“I’m Still Looking For Carooo…. Ehba….!”

Does that title line sound familiar to your ears? No!

How about…

“Caro your body necessary…ah necessary
Caro carry leave story….ah leave story
Caro dey make my head dey turn
Caro dey make me wan dey lose am
Caro dey make my head dey bang
Caro dey make my head dey scatter
Caro your body necessary…necessary… ”

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I found Wizkid and Caro on the Internet, hehe

Hope we are now getting somewhere, right? Now, this song was an anthem some months ago … a song by Nigerian singing sensation, Wizkid. I loved this song like crazy. Today I was bored at work and started scrolling through my playlist and found this gem tucked somewhere in the list and decided to play it. When it was done, someone rang in my mind; Madam Caro, my High School class teacher.

Now, when I joined Mobimba in 2006, in Form three yellow, she was the class teacher and our English teacher. As has been the history, I have always clicked with my English teachers, maybe due to my love for the whiteman’s language.

Madam Caro, by all means wasn’t that attractive, but thankfully God never entirely forgotten her. She had them, the right cap-size, they were not so big but not small either, she never had to spend hundreds of thousands to have them pimped up. Whenever she stepped into the classroom, boys had their eyes fixed on them. You know how boys in boarding school can be. I know others were busy touching and squeezing them somewhere in the minds. I’m talking about her double D’s,her  boobs. Don’t pretend you never looked at them.

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An attempt by Alex Odhiambo aka Aleky, to create an Alumni logo. Good work bro.

I can say with utmost certainty, that it’s this that also made one of the teachers fall madly in love with her. I’m talking about none other than Mr. Sewe. Call it staff love, or teacher-teacher relationship. But it brewed, it got deep and deeper. No student dared make a move on her. That was a no go zone. Some Form Fours teased me with the name ‘Bwana wa Caro!”, but seriously how could I? Hehe!

In class she had a group of boys she always had squabbles with; James Risk(Jagweng) , Brian Zirra(aka Manyake), Jacob Oyeyo, Julius(Ajuli Pocha) etcetera.

“Brian you are very thick!” she blurted out one day in class. A comment that drove Bayo wild with rage, haha!

She always talked in a slobby-sluggish manner, and she always with no doubt felt so sweet about herself. Pimples in her face but still she was one of the best teachers we ever had, maybe it’s because of the way she handled me with respect, or in the gracious way with which she called out my name, “AN-TONY!”

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The two years went so fast. But everything comes to pass, what doesn’t fade is the memories. They are stored deep in the core. Seven years down the line and I still miss everyone and everything.

I got wind that Madam Caro and Mr. Sewe had since tied the knot around 2008 or 2009. I hope you are not heartbroken guys. She is gone for Good. Even Wizkid is looking for her, you ain’t alone buddy. Stay strong.

Posted by Mr. Jagweng