How To Beat Your Wife.

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Wo! Wo! Wo! Wait a minute!  Don’t give me that smack look…

Calm down first, okay. Take a deep breath and relax yourself. Just hear me out.

Do you know about Yoga? No!

Alright, let’s do this; close your eyes and take a deep breath through your nostrils, remember to keep your mouth shut, on a count of five, then hold it there on a count of fifteen, are we there? Okay, now you can release the air, this time through the mouth, in a slow count of ten. How do you feel now? Good.

Now back to serious matters…

I want to clarify one thing before I proceed. Please note that I am not a wife-beater by any means and never have I dreamt of doing so. I was taught by parents never to hit or beat up a woman. It’s wrong. Silly. Archaic. Barbaric. Cowardly. It’s a taboo.

Whenever I hear of a whole man worth his balls beating up a woman, unless you are kidding around having naughty fun which is romantic by the way, I can only blame it on poor upbringing. I blame it on the society too, how do you let a weakling like that stay amongst you! I don’t get it. Such idiots need free admission into a correctional facility or a rehab somewhere in the middle of the Kalahari desert or the Arctic Circle. Period!

To all those birdbrains and pumpkinheads, who instead of joining the Judo federation or maybe karate or boxing championships where real men measure up their worth, I have deviced some tips to help you fight with your wife and still remain in love. Tips that will make her respect you among men.

I do this because I know couples are bound to disagree at some point or maybe be fight, it’s normal, but you got to do it in a civilised manner. Like grownups should.

Rule number one; this is the most important one, there’s no second thoughts about it, no referendum or Okoa Kenya signatures. Please find whichever way or means to drive this into your skull, ‘A MAN SHALL NOT HIT A WOMAN’, I don’t care what tools you use to install it in your head, YOU JUST HAVE TO, NO BUTS!

Rule number two, patience; remember how you were patient when you were chasing after her? She turned you down a million times and insulted you but you never lost hope! Be that man. You have to learn to be patient, patient about everything she’s patient about and above all patient about her. I understand at times women can push you to the limits but don’t react just yet, don’t react impulsively. She will appreciate it, at times she just wants to vent.

Rule number three, always stay calm; now this is what I call the litmus test to real men. It shows how much pressure you can handle, how much you can endure her insults. Some pierce deep, deeper into your core. Here you got to try your best bro. Tell the devil in you to take a chill-pill, or else you might break rule number one. If you can’t take the heat much longer, just walk out of the room and give her time to calm down.

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Rule number four, let your pride go; by this I mean, when you are in an argument with your couple and things get heated up, there’s one nobble thing you can do, let go man. Even when you feel you are on the right, just let it slip. Do it for her sake. It will tone things down and then you can discuss it later when the tension is gone. When she is wrong, she knows it but that won’t stop her from arguing out. In fact when they are wrong, they argue loudest so relax.

Rule number five, always have an answer; when I say having an answer, it doesn’t have to be an answer that makes sense. Remember what at I told you at the end of rule four. At times she doesn’t like to be cornered with reason or truth, she will fight back fiercely so make sure your answer is plain or flat, this will ensure she doesn’t get offensive.

Trust me, if you follow this simple rules, she will love fighting you and you will be a real man. Who ever lied to you that beating up a woman makes you tough? Above all, AVOID ARGUING OR QUARRELING IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR KIDS! Next time I’m going to tell you how to stay happy with her.

Respect her. Love her. And treasure her, you can then thank me later. Wish you a happy marriage.

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7 thoughts on “How To Beat Your Wife.

  1. eunice

    this advice is quite encouraging to both ladies and gentlemen. i think when they follow your rules life will be quite enjoyable in their families. haha. and by the way do you do that to your wife

    Like

    Reply
  2. sue

    An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind. For the man who has no sense of history, is like a man who has no ears or eyes.

    You must be the change you wish to see in the world!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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